Chic Inspiration- He Has His Hand On You... Part I

"He has his hands on you..." I still remember the exact moment that I understood, for myself, exactly what that means. It is so easy to sing songs about God's purpose for you, his protection and his grace, but sometimes, you have to experience it for yourself to truly understand the freedom and joy of serving a God who truly has His hand upon your life....

I remember it well, it was the summer of 2010, my husband had just graduated the UCF nursing program, he had several job offers, my eldest daughter at the time was turning three and everything was falling directly into place. When we had our first daughter, things were challenging, my husband was a full time student, I worked full time as a high school teacher, we had a mortgage to pay, bills galore, tuition, etc... I honestly don't know how we made during those first three years, well, I know now...

Since things were different in 2010, me still working as a HS teacher and my husband working as an ICU nurse, we figure that now was the perfect time to expand our family. I planned it perfectly, get pregnant in July, the baby will be due around the end of the school year and I wouldn't have to take much time off of work... Perfect right??? Unfortunately, that wasn't God's plan.

With my first daughter, I got pregnant right away, so I was certain this time would be no different. I remember feeling those early symptoms in July 2010, I was so excited... I didn't confirm it via a test but I knew I was pregnant. I was almost two weeks late, feeling nauseous, feeling like I was pregnant. I went to my nearest drug store to get a pregnancy test and before I could use it, I got mother nature's sign that there was without a doubt no pregnancy, no baby. I was so disappointed, I couldn't explain what was going on but I decided to try again the next month, and the next month, and the next month...every month the exact same thing... Two weeks late but no pregnancy.

Every month became about counting, calculated, and stressing about getting pregnant, I was very sad because I wanted another child so badly. I dreamt about another little girl playing with my eldest daughter and woke up in tears every morning, when I realized I had failed! My body had failed! The hardest part about this time was that I didn't express my feelings to anyone, I kept it all inside, hidden from those who loved me. I put on my best mask and no one knew how hurt I was inside.

Just when I was going to give up, October 2010 came, I was two weeks late again, I didn't want to take a test because I felt like my body was playing another trick on me, yet again. After the third week of being late, I was finally brave enough to take a test and there it was... A positive sign! I was pregnant! I went to sleep that night smiling, sleeping on my back with my hand gently caressing my still flat tummy, protecting our baby, even though it wasn't fully formed. I thought my struggle was over.

The next week went by, and I woke up for work with a very strange feeling, an uneasy feeling. I remember going to the bathroom on my planning period and seeing it, mother nature's sign that there was no baby, that there was without a doubt, no pregnancy. I let out a loud cry, went to my department head and asked to leave work and go to my OB-GYN. I was having a miscarriage. Even as I type those words my eyes still fill with tears. The doctor confirmed what I already knew and my world crashes instantly. I even had the audacity to question my God, I lashed out at Him. I screamed, how could You do this to me? His reply, why not you... I know you can handle this test because I know your strength. I was so angry, I was so hurt, I was so... There aren't even enough words to describe that feeling. I ran through my actions that week, maybe it was that cup of coffee, was I rushing too much in the morning, was it when I picked up my eldest daughter? I was driving myself into a depression, and just like the wonder of the God I served, He knew what to do to bring me out.

Right around the time of my loss, the choir director at our church, began teaching a new song, Encourage Yourself, I had the lead part, and just singing that song was therapeutic. It reminded me to encourage myself, speak a word over myself, to remember that I am a child of the King, and that this too shall pass. I sang that song on Sunday and every chain of doubt, anger, hurt, depression, pain, etc... Was instantly broken! I was free, I was ready to move away from my plan and let God fully take control of the situation.

Stay tune for Part II of my encouraging and triumphant journey to understanding that God truly has His hand on our lives. If you are feeling discourage, remember that God has a plan for your life. I will leave you with the song that led me to my breakthrough, be encouraged, be blessed!!!

Hugs and Love,

Jeré